If I were to die anytime soon... this is what I would want my family to know
My friends to know…
My heroes to know…
The people I hurt…
The people I pushed away…
The people I held to close…
Everyone-
Life is a blessing.
It’s a chance to learn how to listen.
I was told in life
that I can be idealistic…
a perfectionist…
that I was a bitch…
or needed to be a bitch…
that I was harsh…
or I could be cut and dry…
that I was spoiled…
I was humble…
that I was a yo-yo…
that I had potential…
sometimes I heard it more than once,
or only once,
from the same person,
or from others.
I was told I was beautiful…
It still seems strange to even suppose it’s true.
Beauty wasn’t something very high on my list of important qualities.
I liked to be called beautiful.
I liked to look nice.
I think I’d rather look elegant…
But that look didn’t fit in with my time…
Elegance seems like something you can measure.
But how can you measure beauty?
It’s so opinion based…
And to tell someone they’re not beautiful…
And I’m harsh?
Hmm…
I was told often that I was hard to read…
Hard to figure out…
Hard to understand…
I don’t know why.
What I was thinking always seemed so obvious to me…
But I suppose it does to everyone.
The way I think is the way God intended me to.
I guess.
If I was so misunderstood,
it was because I didn’t know myself well enough
to be able to express to anyone else what I thought or felt either
how can I tell you what I don’t know?
It was often I felt like Christians had such different opinions.
It’s strange…
But it’s almost as though they valued things differently…
If I was idealistic or a perfectionist…
it was because I wanted it to be perfect…
not because I expected it to be.
I would fight with all of my being for something to happen a certain way.
But if it didn’t… there is a reason for everything…
I don’t believe in sitting back and waiting…
I believe in asking and doing...
to the best of my ability.
If I was a bitch…
It was because I had high expectations
And had trouble placing myself in others shoes
Especially if I didn’t understand who “could have done what but didn’t why”?
If I needed to be a bitch…
I had trouble being direct because I felt guilty for it later.
I didn’t want to wound anyone’s spirit…
No one deserves that.
If I was harsh or cut and dry…
It was because I’ve always had trouble not changing my mind.
If I said it, did it, and let all other possibilities go,
I couldn’t change what is.
Plus, it always hurt too much to keep the past around.
Especially when the obvious was only obvious to me.
If I was spoiled…
I never saw it, and never felt it.
The definition is to have
impaired character because of excessive praise.
I always felt like I worked for what I had.
Unless it was God…
He blessed me without reason.
And I was very undeserving.
However, I doubt he impaired my character.
If I was humble…
I never saw it, and never felt it.
I guess I define humble differently then the world.
I mean, I hope I was humble.
I didn’t want to be arrogant, haughty, or proud.
But humble to me is someone who never takes credit for anything they do.
If I was a yo-yo,
It was because I wasn’t strong enough.
I couldn’t stand ground long enough
I questioned myself often.
I couldn’t trust others,
But I rarely trusted myself.
If I had potential,
It was because I cared and tried.
I never wanted to fail,
And I had faith and hope
to succeed.
If anything,
I’m a hopeless romantic at heart.
I’m happy back at content.
